The Statue/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, a lot of guys brag about how they wear the pants in the family. What they don't mention to their buddies is that their wife tells them what pants to wear and when to wear 'em and to stop talking to your idiot friends about their marriage anyway! See, women have all kinds of rules about clothes. Jeans are okay for hanging around the house or for the hardware store or whenever you go somewhere alone. But, when company's comin', you gotta go all the way upstairs and put on something nice. So I got to thinking, wouldn't it be great if you could wear the same pants all the time? Well, you can. Just get yourself a pair of jeans one size bigger than you normally wear. Actually, better make it two sizes bigger. One size bigger is probably what you should be wearing now. Next, you turn your good pants inside out, and then you stuff 'em inside the oversized jeans. Then you just sew 'em together. Or since you have no idea how to sew, use the handyman's secret weapon. And it's just that easy. Once you get everything duct taped into place, you've got something better than a reversible jacket; you've got reversible pants. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. Had a bit of a setback at the lodge this week. I was towing the backhoe through town, and I went by the town hall. You know, I never noticed there was a statue there, and after I went by it, there wasn't. But I did the right thing. I told them that I had done it... Because a whole bunch of people saw me do it. And my punishment is I gotta replace the statue. I was thinking of using harold just to see if he could stand still for more than five seconds. Uncle red! Uncle red! [ cheers and applause ] so -- so what happened to the statue downtown? Uh, I heard somebody knocked it down. You knocked it down! Could be. I didn't ask for details. Doesn't matter, harold. I told them I would replace that stupid statue. Stupid statue! Stup -- that is sir don a. Mcjohnalds. He's the founder of the entire possum lake area. Well, the way I hear it, he just brought a bunch of people here to find out where the smell was coming from. And after a couple of months they got used to it and stayed. We don't need to honour him. Uncle red, that statue is part of our history. Well, harold, now that statue is history. You're going to feel a lot better once you see my replacement statue. Take a look at this baby. This has to go on the front lawn of the town hall, you know. Not the parking lot of wacky willie's five and dime. Well, harold, you don't understand. This is an attraction, see? This'll bring people to town hall, even when it's not their court date. It's a way smaller target for pigeons, and here's the best part... It's a profit centre. Huh? Huh? Come on! Come on! [ red chuckling/ harold whooping ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives this coupon for one night's stay at this area's only place that urges its guests to sleep in... The possum lake bed & lunch. It's okay to sleep late at possum lake. There's nothing to see anyway. Okay, cover your ears, winston. Uh, mr. Green, you got 30 seconds to get winston to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. And... Go! Uh, okay, winston, think of a celestial body. Super model. No, no, these come out after dark. Some of them aren't very bright. Sure sounds like a super model. Okay, this is something people like to watch at night. The neighbours' window. No, no, this is up in the sky, and it's on fire. A guy with a gas barbeque. No, okay, no. If you wait long enough, you may see one of these shooting. A postal worker. Okay, okay, listen. What do you have when you say "rats" backwards? Dyslexia. [ laughter and applause ] you're almost outta time, mr. Green. Winston, you remember our science teacher? He got up in front of the class and he said, our sun is actually... A doctor. No, not that kind of sun; the one that shines. Well, we all shine, red. I mean, everybody's a star. There we go! [ loon calls ] my parole officer says you're never too old to start learning. Red: He was just trying to sell you his computer. That's not fair. Where else can you get a commodore 64 for 50 bucks? Well, they're free at the dump. I'm talking about education. You know, your lack of education can really limit you. Have you ever talked to somebody who knows a whole lot more than you do? Every time I step through the front door. Well, the way to correct that is by learning. For example, I know that in the scientific table of elements the symbol for lead is "pb," which stands for "plumbum." when I tell people I know what plumbum means, they just stare at me in awe. Yeah, like that! Yeah, well, okay, education's important, but experience is a pretty good teacher too, like when I'm having heart surgery or something, I don't want some guy who's never done it before. I want to be part of his experience, not part of his education. Yeah, but you don't want somebody with no education, especially for a heart operation. I mean, it's not so bad with kidneys, because you've got two of 'em. Dalton: You know, you don't need education to be successful. Evel knievel, he was rich and famous. He never had a college degree. Red: Yeah, but he also broke every bone in his body. And survived, huh! How many of your fancy lawyers could break every bone and live? Red: I know a lot of people who'd love to find out. Just think, dalton, though, if evel had gotten himself an education, instead of just jumpin' over busses in his harley, he could've been president! President evel? You know, I think it just comes down to the person. A lot of people have had success with a lot of education. But me, I never had much, but hey, I've had a happy life, a fair bit of success, a little bit of wealth on me there, some self-esteem, and the respect of my friends. You have? And then you lost it all? Boy, you must be bitter. [ applause ] you know, in my life I've experienced there are 10 things that are impossible. The first one is backing up a boat trailer. The other nine all involve my wife. See, the problem with the boat trailer is, you've got two separate vehicles a flexible ball hitch in between. Plus, you're driving using your mirrors or actually turning your head around, if you're under 25. And the car is pushing, rather than pulling. So when you turn one way, the boat goes the other. It's actually a lot like the problems I had when I was dating. I always got the opposite reaction from the one I expected, and I was trying to control the situation from the wrong end. The solution, of course, is marriage. We've gotta marry the two vehicles into one. United we stand; divided we jack-knife. First thing you wanna do is cut off a part of the car that you don't use anymore. Sadly, at my age, that's the back seat. I mounted a bunch of chisels to the edge of the garage door, and a couple of heavy anchors add a little jam to it. They're actually wood chisels, but there's lots of 'em. Anchors away. Okay, that's the hard part done, which was cutting the car in half with the garage door and then gettin' the mess all cleaned up before those people came home. Now we're ready to join the front half of the car to this boat trailer in holy matrimony. What this man has brought together, let no boat ramp rend asunder, amen. Okay, I should've mentioned this earlier, get a car that's front-wheel drive. Otherwise when you attach the boat trailer to the drive shaft, she'll get spinning around like a whirligig... No. No. And it's just that easy. No more jack-knifes, no more having the boat trailer unhitch at 50 kliks and taking out a bus shelter. And most of all, no embarrassment for me. [ applause ] I wanna talk to you older fellas about your eating habits. So many of you are jumping on this low-carb bandwagon I'm afraid she's gonna blow a tire. Okay, here's the thing... It's not about counting carbs; it's not even about counting calories. It's about counting meals. Got a little shock for you. According to the experts, there are only three of 'em... Breakfast, lunch, dinner. Now, you may call "dinner" "supper," and that's fine, but it's an either/or deal. And brunch is a replacement for breakfast and lunch. Not a tide me over between the two. Likewise, we gotta stop inventing whole new meals of our own. Meals like "breakcarfast." that's that second breakfast you eat in the car. Then there's "lunsnacker," the post-lunch, pre-afternoon snack that gets us through to dinsnacker, then the snack for watching cable tv, which we call "direct feed." now, I know cutting out all these meals is going to be an adjustment. But no one will mind if you do a little complaining. Heck, it'll probably be the first time they've heard you talk with your mouth empty in years! Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] [ saw buzzing ] uncle red! No, no, no. Yeah, it's important to wear -- [ saw buzzes louder ] what are you chopping wood in the lodge for anyway? Well, you said you didn't like my horsie ride, so I decided to carve a statue. You know, a face that's heroic and yet it's everyman, it's inspiring, but not intimidating. Handsome, yet intelligent. Looks like you. Dalton: Hey, red! How's the statue coming? Oh, pretty good. Looks like you... But knottier. Yeah, that's what harold says, but I don't see it. Well, that is not going to do. I mean, we also need a statue of a man that exemplifies the possum lake area. Uh-uh-uh-uh! It shouldn't just automatically be a man, you know. It should be an artistic statement. Something that makes people, stop, pause, wonder, make them feel better about themselves. You know, something that has no specific sexual gender at all. Oh, so we should make a statue that looks like you. Red: You know, there's nothing more relaxing for a guy, or even a harold, than to go out into the woods and get back to nature into a more simple existence. Can't think of three better guys to get simple than walter, bill and harold. And they got the hammocks. Okay, you're missing some basic concept here, bill. I'm sure it'll work out in the end. They ended up with four trees fairly close together that they could -- oh! Uh, closer than harold thought, apparently. Walter's got a little more sense. He just tied his hand to the tree. But bill finally gets himself in business. One thing about bill, he can fall asleep anywhere. Luckily, he has cruise control. And harold's tying his hammock to the same tree, of course. And he tied a real good knot. He saw bill's knot, he thought that didn't look quite right. He kind of gave it a tug. It's a slip knot. But, uh, bill had no idea -- and walter had -- it wouldn't quite reach, so he had to really horse her over there. 'course what you're doin' is creating a lot of tension, which is what harold usually does. These hammocks are now stretched pretty tight. So he's back in business. So bill, why don't you just -- see if you can go back to sleep. There you go. And harold has his really too loose here. It's more of a slip -- down, yeah. So harold realises now -- take his hatchet and cut little notches in the tree. And, uh, walter's doin' fine. In mexico, I believe, these are called bowless notches. And he puts the hammock rope right through those. Now you're in good shape. Now same thing at the other end. And, uh, he's makin' the notches, unfortunately -- oh. But harold is oblivious as usual. And he gets into the hammock, just gets comfortable, and the next thing you know... A little tit for tat, right, bill? Anyway, finally all three are settled in, relaxing, and harold starts to get a little bit hungry. And he gets up, which upsets the whole balance of the tension between the hammocks. And he had put a small bag of popcorn into his backpack, it's down at the bottom, harold. There you go. Harold eats enough popcorn he can actually imagine the movie. So he goes back, doesn't see the hatchet, falls into the hammock, springs the other guys up through the -- so now harold's lying there kind of thinking, I wonder where the other two guys are. I'm saying to him, you know, I'm thinkin' they'll be back in a minute. So they don't really know what happened. Harold's not there, and no one seems to care. Rockabye, baby, on the treetop, when the wind blows, you're still a dork. In the old days when my dad and I would go on a canoe trip, we packed all our stuff into wicker baskets. Let the bugs in and the smells out and they sunk every time we flipped over, which happened on a regular basis. Then dad got a great big metal cooler. It had sharp edges and rusted faster than a studebaker and weighed more than our fridge. I tell you, the guy who thought that a metal box would make a great insulator should've spent a winter in a garden shed. But eventually science got into the atomic age and produced a miracle substance... Poly-wanna-crackerline. Finally a cooler you could lift, huh? And it even floats -- unlike dad. And these things close off airtight, which is great when you're taking food to the campsite, or bringing dirty laundry home. Now, that cooler in the canoe, sure, was a big step forward, but why just take one step? If you have enough coolers and the handyman's secret weapon you can take it to a whole new level. I call it a canooler. [ applause ] I dunno, dalton. Why don't we just take that big ronald mcdonald figure that's at your store, we'll paint it grey, and we'll call that the statue. That's not ronald mcdonald, that's my father! Oh, look, dalton, uncle red has finished the sculpture. He said no peeking before the unveiling. Hey! Well, I've really done it this time, boys. It's impressive, it's gender neutral, it reflects the values of the possum lake community and most importantly... It's done. I present to you the spirit of possum lake. Dalton: My lord! Ha, it's not that good. It's not any good. I mean, what you got -- and the -- what is that? Well, it's conceptual art, harold. You may not understand that. What about the plaque? What's that for, an apology? No, that's the best part. "here stands the spirit of possum lake. "all wisdom, all knowledge can be yours... ""25 cents per question." what? Yeah, I incorporated the horsie ride into my statue. I tell you, the artists who connect with their community are the ones who make serious coin. So tell me, great spirit of possum lake, should I buy that boat I've had my eye on? [ laughter and applause ] you know, this is every man's dream. Someone who always says yes! Let me try! Let me try! Let me try! Let me try! Let me try! Okay, oh, great spirit of possum lake, do women find me -- huh-huh-huh, sexy? [ laughter and applause ] oh, I knew it! [ possum squealing ] it's meeting time. Yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll be right down. So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And now that I'm a sculptor, I think I'm ready to try a reclining nude. You think she'll shoot me down? To the rest of you, thanks for watching, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down everybody. Sit down. Mike: All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. All right, men, we've been lookin' for a new name for our statue. Now, america has the statue of liberty, but this one looks so much like harold, we're calling it the statue of puberty. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com